And God Created Cat
By Jim Crane
In the beginning God created everything else and then he created cat.
He looked upon his work and saw that it was good. But not perfect, and of course
cat was the first to point this out. "Sir" he said," not to
appear ungrateful or anything but my life isn’t easy you know."
"How so?" God answered in surprise. "You have plenty to eat and
you have at least six naps a day. That’s not bad."
"Yes sir" replied cat. "That’s all true but you might have made
me bigger so I wouldn’t be chased by dogs and other beasts and my tummy itches
and so does the back of my head where it is hard to reach. And even though a
good washing feels great my tongue is so small that it’s lots of
work."
"Hmm" said God. "You do have a point. Let me think about it and
take it up with the design department."
The next day God appeared in the garden with a funny looking hairless creature
preposterously walking on just its hind legs. "Cat, this is the servant I’ve
created for you."
"Hmm"
said the cat, "Can we talk? How much does he understand?"
"He can’t pick up thoughts or translate your language if that’s what
you mean." "Don’t worry." God reassured cat.
"Good" answered cat, "well he doesn’t look like much to me. He’s
hardly big enough to fight off a pack of dogs to say nothing of bigger
beasts."
"Oh" God replied "the point with this one isn’t sheer size or
brute strength. He’s smart, very smart."
"Not a good idea" said the cat almost to himself. And then fearing he’d
be called down for impudence" I mean sir, if he’s smart then he’ll want
to be boss and there goes the game."
"Ah" said God, "intelligence doesn’t preclude stupidity Cat,
not in this species. I’ve just invented paradox. I’ve equipped Adam, that’s
what I call him, with an enormous ego. He will think he’s the boss and that
you’re a pet. That way he will serve you faithfully and will provide you with
your every need and feel very smug doing it."
"I can see that has real possibilities," said the cat. "He’ll
work hard and be proud of his achievements and we won’t have to do anything
but be comfortable, right?"
"That’s the plan."
"But excuse me sir, this is Eden. Nobody works here. You set it up that way
so how are you going to get that big naked ape to provide?"
"Good question," God answered smiling. "We’ve thought of that.
She’s on the drawing board. Her name is Eve, and we’re teaching snake to
talk right now."
The
Frog Princess
by Jim Crane
Once
upon a time there was a princess who spent her time kissing every frog in sight.
This greatly disturbed her mother, but it did no good for her to explain to the
child that this was an unsanitary, as well as an unaesthetic habit.
But
Momma, the girl would say, "one of them might be an enchanted prince.”
“That
is statistically almost impossible, the queen would answer.
(Her mother had a good mind.) “and you are playing havoc with the royal
image.” The princess, a willful
child, just went on kissing frogs. Now
one day a prince rode by and looked down from his horse into the swamp where the
princess was about her daily task. "What on earth are you doing, girl?”
he asked with keen interest.
“Giving
the frog the kiss test. I am looking for an enchanted prince”, she answered
curtly, and I am not GIRL , Sir, I am a royal princess!”
"Oh",
he laughed, "I see, your highness..... I was once a frog myself.”
She
looked at him quizzically, and really for the first time;
"and a princess kissed you?''
He
smiled broadly, “Actually, a lot of princesses have kissed me, but it wasn't
that easy. It took quests, loneliness, facing life, and that way learning who I
am. I’m still part frog, but it
doesn't bother me anymore. "Why don't you come with me? I'll buy you a cup
of coffee and we can get acquainted.”
“No
“, she said wistfully. “I'm afraid you're not my type. You don't turn me on.
I'm looking for an enchanted prince. It will be my kiss that transforms him, so
he will owe me his love forever after.”
The
prince doffed his hat, and rode on, calling back "Well, lots of luck."
The
princess, even though she tried a thousand frogs or more, never found even an
enchanted duke, or count. Finally, after thoroughly working every swamp and pond
in the kingdom, she married a local frog and reminded him every day how very
lucky he was to have a princess. Of course, the frog was enormously pleased with
his great good fortune at first, but after a while, he began to spend more and
more time buried in mud at the bottom of the pond.
Comments or questions can be addressed to cranejg@eckerd.edu