Yet another sleepless night. Is it just the usual insomnia? It could be, but different kinds of thoughts fill my mind. I am tired. I could sleep at any time, but when I lay down countless thoughts race through my mind and keep me up. Each thought is a sheep, but not a peaceful sheep that helps me relax, they are annoying, loud sheep that keep me up. My mind continuously drifts to the upcoming trip that is in only three days. It is not the excitement for the trip that keeps me up. Though I am certainly excited for it, it is the anxiety that is keeping me up. I am going to Sundance for a second time, but this time it is to make a film, not to just watch them. I want to pursue film after I get out of school. It is funny that I word it “pursue” as if I am trying to catch it, yet it is running away from me.

To make film a career I need to try to “get into the business” once I’m done with my education. The most important thing that allows you to do this is making connections; networking. Now this program that I am in, Real Ideas Studio in which I make a documentary, is a great place to learn a lot about the actual art, but an added bonus is that I will meet people who provide networking opportunities. Those opportunities are what scares me so much. When will another opportunity like this come along in my life?

As all of this settles in my rational side fights back. It throws a left with the fact that if I work myself up, the work I do will not be good and the networking won’t matter. It throws a right by saying that if my passion is truly great enough for film, then I will continue with it no matter what happens. The rational side is winning as usual, but it tags in a new partner. Since I have become a philosophy major I have been using philosophy to think critically about my life and what I am doing in it. As such, I have found that there are things much bigger than me, therefore I should just try to live life to the fullest. The fullest for me is following my passions and avoiding excessively stressful, unnecessarily strenuous situations. This has obviously brought me to an impasse.

This is also why I have also come to love philosophy, because it allows me to keep cool. Eastern philosophy like Taoism has taught me that I just need to lets things flow naturally and have confidence in what will turn out. So, I am going to get some business cards printed out tomorrow, I am going to stay sharp on reading so I can make the best film I can, and just go out and do what I do best, shoot some footage and make a quality film. I have never done any networking and no one in the business has ever seen any of my work, but it can’t be that hard right?

Tags: cinematography, documentary, eckerd college, film, real ideas studio, slamdance, sundance

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